


when did you fall out of love (with me)?

by astridblues



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Drug Withdrawal, Episode: s01e04 Plain Sight, Episode: s14e15 Truth or Dare, F/M, Falling In Love, Falling Out of Love, Fix-It of Sorts, Missed Opportunities, Past Drug Addiction, Past Drug Use, Unrequited Love, ew feelings, its barely mentioned, mentioned characters are barely there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:26:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28336128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astridblues/pseuds/astridblues
Summary: In which Reid falls out of love and JJ falls in love.
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau & Spencer Reid, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Spencer Reid
Comments: 4
Kudos: 33





	when did you fall out of love (with me)?

**Author's Note:**

> hello, this is my first fanfic (ever) so please feel free to give feedback! comments/kudos are always appreciated :)
> 
> mild spoilers for basically the entire show, and some dialogue taken directly from 1x04 'plain sight', 14x15 'truth or dare', and 500 days of summer (because I thought the scene fit really well lol).
> 
> also, i'm not sure what constitutes as a trigger, but anything potentially sensitive is in the tags and it's very brief.
> 
> title & inspiration for this taken from the song 'out of love' by alessia cara.

When Reid turned 24 Gideon gifted him VIP box tickets to the Redskins. He was confused because Gideon didn’t give birthday presents, and he especially didn’t gift Reid tickets to a game with a team he knew Reid doesn’t know. At least, he didn’t know until Gideon told him he should take one person on the jet who was a huge fan of the football team with him: the only person in the world who called him “Spence.” 

Reid asked Gideon what he should ask JJ, because Reid had never done anything like this before, and had no clue how to ask, but Gideon didn’t respond and instead stared at him with those eyes that knew too much. Reid couldn’t read those eyes. He could read most eyes, but never Gideon’s. At least, never without a doubt. Reid felt his insides squirm as Gideon’s eyes bore holes into his head, offering no answers. There was a brief moment of fear, panic, anxiety, and a lot of other negative emotions but Reid swallowed it down because Gideon had given him all the tools and materials, and Reid just needed to put it together. He couldn’t let go of this opportunity. He didn’t bother asking how or why Gideon knew what he knew, he had learned it wasn’t worth it to ask with these kinds of things. 

Reid stood up to sit with JJ, who was reading the case report in one hand and holding a cup of coffee in the other. He still had no clue what to say so he opened with, “Heard you were a fan of football.” He shot Gideon one last look, for the confidence boost, and when he saw a smile on Gideon’s face he fully committed to asking JJ to the game

JJ looked up and smiled one of her polite liaison smiles because she was halfway through reading the case review and frankly had no clue where this conversation would lead. She liked Spencer because he was young and naive and there was something in her that wanted to wrap him in a hug and help him through Morgan’s relentless teasing and pranks. Morgan had even gone to calling JJ “Mommy” with her relationship with Reid. 

“I-I have, well, Gideon gave me uh- tickets? To the R-Redskins game. Next Sunday. They’re the uh, VIP box tickets, and I-I was wondering if y-you’d like to come. With me. To the game.” Reid managed to force out of his mouth.

“Really, Spence? Oh wow, uhm,” JJ smiled, caught completely off guard. “That’s really amazing, I’d love to come. Thank you.” 

“I-I can pick you up, if we leave an hour and a half before the game begins, and take the I-95 to the I-495, even with traffic, we’ll arrive with time to get to our seats and order food.” Reid offered because it would save money and gas to go together, plus it would remove the potential time spent looking for each other.

“You’re going to drive?” JJ teased, laughing when she saw Reid flush red with embarrassment and stammer out that yes, he could in fact drive and he wasn’t  _ that _ bad of a driver, and only  _ sometimes _ got a bit distracted.

Her laugh was music to his ears. 

When they arrived in Quantico, JJ asked Garcia to come along because, well, as the youngest members of the BAU, she figured they should all spend some more time together. Garcia offered to come to JJ’s house, so Reid could drive them together to the game. It never even crossed JJ’s mind that he had asked her on a date. 

Reid was understandably a bit surprised when JJ asked him if Garcia could come along, and a bit confused if this normally happened on dates. He wanted to ask Morgan or Hotch, but they had already given him so many pointers he didn’t want to ask any more from them. He didn’t want to say no, especially not to JJ, so he just plastered a smile on and said sure. Her smile after he said yes was enough to make his stomach flutter with butterflies for the rest of the day and days following. Reid vowed to be more appreciative of his eidetic memory from that moment on. 

The day before the game Reid realized he still knew absolutely nothing about how football was played, and he ended up spending the rest of the day in the library reading book after book, article after article. At night, he picked out his clothes for the next day and set them aside at the foot of his bed. He went through his routine of showering, changing into pajamas, brushing his teeth, and spending his time reading and working on yet another academic article. He did everything he normally did, yet at night he couldn’t find sleep like most other days. He ended up reading through another seven books before falling asleep with his head buried in Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s  _ The Lost World _ . 

When he picked up Garcia and JJ the next day, he was so nervous that he managed to ramble the entire hour-long car ride over, starting with a comprehensive history to the Washington team and ending with a breakdown of Title IX and the notable Supreme Court cases surrounding the law. 

Reid stayed surprisingly quiet during the first half game, Garcia and JJ could see him analyzing the strategies used by both teams and the successes of each of the players on a napkin. Actually, many napkins. The two girls gave an amused look at Reid, which he was completely oblivious to, before returning their attention to the game.

After halftime, Reid split his attention between watching the ball and watching JJ’s reactions get tenser and tenser as the scores two teams narrowed. Reid studied her face and shoulders, how her eyes crinkled when she smiled at the opposing team losing the ball or missing a pass, or how she put on her ‘work face’ when she got upset about the opposing team intercepting a pass, getting a touchdown, or beating the Washington team. 

Garcia spent most of the game admiring the looks of the players, but the way Reid looked at JJ didn’t escape her attention. She knew that Reid was in his own bubble in his mind by the way his eyebrows furrowed and his mouth hung slightly open as if he were about to speak. 

It wasn’t until JJ explained how Reid had gotten such nice tickets that Garcia realized that she had just intruded on a date. Not that JJ realized what it was, though. While Garcia was no profiler, she, like Gideon, noticed Reid’s head over heels crush for JJ. 

“This was so much fun. And you,” at Reid’s furrowed brow Garcia giggled and told him, “not you, you.” She pointed at JJ. “He likes you.” Garcia grinned as she caught a look of surprise and a bit of horror across Reid’s face before getting up from her seat in the back. 

“Okay! Goodbye Garcia, have a good rest of your day!” Reid said, voice slightly loudly and a lot higher over Garcia’s “He likes you. Likes you! Why don’t you just tell her, Reid?” 

Garcia got out of the car, closing the door with a ‘thunk’ that was deafening compared to the silence of Reid and JJ in the front two seats. Reid fidgeted, desperate to get Garcia’s comment out of both of their minds, but his IQ of 187 was useless here and he couldn’t think of anything to say. “Sorry, it’s uh, it’s uh yeah…” He trailed off. 

“Is that true?”

“Is what true?” He stalled, hoping that she won’t ask  _ the _ question. Statistics about dating and rejection and first dates and second dates flew through his mind.

“Do you… like me?” Damn.

Reid breathed out a nervous laugh. “Yeah, yeah of course I like you.”

“As… friends?” JJ drawled out. 

Reid paused, unsure of what he should say. What was the right answer here? “Right! As friends.”

“Just as friends?” She repeated, as a confirmation for what she just heard.

Reid nodded. “I mean, I- I don’t know I hadn’t really thought about it, um, but yes.” Reid lied through his teeth. He had thought about it. He thought about it for the while, for a few weeks at this point, including the entire way to the game, during the game, and the entire way back to JJ’s apartment from the game. “Why?”

“No reason… I just think you’re a great person and I’d like for us to be friends. Is that alright?” 

No, it was not alright. Reid wanted to tell her how much he liked her, how he felt like the only guy in the world when she called him ‘Spence’, but after hearing her response, he knew he already missed his chance. Gideon had got him to the game, given him the bat, but Reid didn’t even try to swing. Or at least swing in the right direction. He didn’t know why he expected to hit the ball or have JJ step in and hit it for him. Moreso, he didn’t know why he felt disappointed that he didn’t hit the ball when he had consciously swung in the wrong direction. 

“Yeah, it’s uh… yeah, you and me. We should be friends.” Reid smothered his disappointment to the best of his ability, which truthfully, wasn’t that great. But JJ wasn’t a profiler and she couldn’t read him that well so she didn’t notice.

“Okay. Cool.” It was so quiet Reid barely caught it. A beat. Silence filled the air as they looked at each other. “Yeah well, we’re already here, so…” JJ said, nodding at the apartment complex in front of them where Garcia was waiting at the doors, texting someone animatedly, probably Morgan, on her pink Motorola Razr.

“‘Kay, well, good night.” 

“Good night.” JJ opened the passenger door seat and walked to the front door of the apartment complex, unlocking the doors for her and Garcia. Reid watched her silently for a moment before leaving.

\-----

For Reid, it was the big things. 

It was the lack of support from JJ and frankly the entire team after Hankel when he was drowning and everyone could see, but no one stepped in to help. It was his blatant drug use that no one commented on when he needed them to. It was the week he spent with a fever, chills, shaking hands, and terrible nausea from detoxing. It was JJ’s family Will, Henry, and then Michael. It was the headaches that no one but Emily noticed. It was JJ lying to him about Emily’s death for ten weeks when he fell into a depression and had to spend the nights at her house. It was nearly everyone he ever cared for leaving his life. It was his mother not recognizing him for three agonizingly long seconds and waking up every morning to the possibility that he had developed schizophrenia or dementia. It was being sent to prison after being charged with murder and having to constantly look over his shoulder. It was the million exhausting traumatic experiences and PTSD that Reid dealt with every day. Eventually, Reid simply didn’t have the same energy to continue his one-sided romantic interest in JJ anymore. He never stopped loving JJ, but one day he woke up and noticed that he no longer looked at JJ like  _ that _ and simply loved her like a sister.

For JJ, it was the small things.

It was the way Reid’s arms wrapped completely around her when he hugged her, it was the joy he expressed when he saw her, lifting her off the ground in one of his bear hugs. It was the way his socks never matched and his watch was always on top of his sleeve. It was his ever-changing and sometimes questionably cut but constantly messy hair. It was the way he sat cross-legged on the desks at whatever police station they set up in. It was his terrible penmanship. It was the amount of sugar he put in his coffee, and his love for chocolate and sprinkles covered donuts. It was his magic tricks and card-counting abilities, and especially his face whenever he lost a game, which was very rare, but not impossible. It was the way his smiles lit up his entire face, and how he was great with children, despite “the Reid effect.” It was his overwhelming love for the members of the BAU that he managed to express with all of his actions, even when he couldn’t say it himself. 

\-----

Reid was 38 when JJ confessed her love for him while being held hostage in a jewelry store in Los Angeles. A lot had happened in the 14 years since the Redskins game. A lot had happened to Reid, to JJ, to the entire team. And JJ was no longer the only one who calls him “Spence.” They were both riddled with cracks from cases over the years that came a little too close to home. Then, there were pieces that had broken, and pieces that had been lost, by Tobias Hankel or Tivon Askari. From spending time in prison, or losing a child. Some parts of them had broken off, and even though they tried to catch all the pieces and glue themselves together, there were gaps and cracks that could never be filled no matter how desperately they tried.

JJ stared at Reid with tears in her eyes with the loudest  _ ‘I’m sorry’ _ he’d ever seen or heard, and Reid wished he could reciprocate some of that old romantic love, but Reid had waited too long, and any feelings he had at the Redskins game had died. He loved JJ, like a sister, because that was what they agreed upon 14 years ago. Now, here she was, an body length away, but he felt like they were worlds apart. 

A part of Reid broke that day because he was now plagued by the millions of possibilities that he knew will never happen because JJ was married with two children. But not married to him, and not with his children. Reid didn’t say anything, because he couldn’t do that to himself, and more importantly, he couldn’t do that to Will LaMontagne, who gave up everything to care for Henry and start a family with JJ. 

Still, there was a part of Reid that longed for the impossible future, a future where he had kids, a future with the woman he loved. A future raising children with the family and childhood he never got as a kid. The pain from the mirror shard digging into his palm and drawing blood couldn’t compare to the pain he felt deep within his chest that choked him speechless.

He was numb as he shot Casey dead, numb as the mirror shard dug into his hand more as he cut JJ loose from the duct tape. When she turned around and finally faced him, he waited for her to say something. Anything. He wasn’t sure if it would hurt him more if she said that everything she told Casey was a lie, or if it was true. His emotions were all over the place: anger and sadness being the most prominent. For a genius, there were a lot of things he was unsure about at the moment. 

JJ’s eyes glanced around quickly, meeting Reid’s for only a second before looking elsewhere. When the police and Rossi rushed into the building, Reid could sense the relief from JJ as her professional mask slipped seamlessly in place and she began assessing the scene and helping those injured. 

The two didn’t speak of what happened in the store for the rest of their stay in LA, in fact, the two barely spoke at all, but the looks they gave each other when the other wasn’t looking held a million words that were never spoken.

It wasn’t until Rossi’s wedding that JJ finally broke and approached Reid while he was alone at the bar, ordering water as everyone else chatted in groups of three and four. 

“Hey.”

Reid cleared his throat before answering. “Hey.” His greeting was slightly quieter, slightly sadder.

“So,” JJ started, brushing her hair away from her face, “I didn’t get a chance to say it back there, but, thank you, for saving my life.”

“You’re welcome. You okay?” Reid turned to face JJ, his left arm leaning against the side of the bar.

“Yeah, yeah, look so, um,” JJ faced the bar because it was easier than facing her best friend for nearly a decade and a half, who was also the godfather to both her children. She brushed her hair to the side again. She began thinking that it might be nervous tell of hers. “What I said back there, I, uh, I needed to say something that would get his attention, and I needed to say something that would get your attention. You know, so I, uh, I needed t-”

“- Jennifer,” Reid interrupted, his voice quiet, soft, and JJ immediately stopped and looked him straight in the eyes, because Reid had only called her by her first name once, and that was seven years ago in a police precinct in Durant, Oklahoma when Reid had recently found out about Emily’s fake death and JJ’s lies. “It’s okay. I understand that you did what you had to do.”

JJ nodded, unable to process words for a moment, caught off guard by the man across from her, a situation eerily similar to how she felt 14 years ago on a jet back from Los Angeles. “Great, good, uh, thanks, Spence.” She smiled, but it didn’t quite reach the eyes. She was scared, terrified because there was a part of her that was disappointed by Reid’s response, a part of her that wished he would say that he loved her, and she would then agree with him, spilling the feelings she fought to keep behind a professional barrier for years. JJ loved Will with all her being but after 14 years of working with the genius, book-loving Dr. Reid, how could one not fall in love with him? JJ knew she’s incredibly lucky to have a family, especially while working in the BAU when relationships were tough and hard to come by, but she couldn’t help but picture what her life would’ve been like if Spence was the one sleeping by her side every night. 

They went to bed that night im agining how different their lives would’ve been with the other by their side, but in the end, it didn’t matter because he fell in love too early, and she fell in love too late. Maybe it would take time, or a parallel universe, but Reid had fallen out of love, and JJ couldn’t help but wonder when it happened.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> i don't know what i was expecting but it wasn't a 6 page long fanfic lmao
> 
> n.b. i tried not to refer to the football team as the 'redskins' because it can be seen as offensive, but inevitably it ended up in there (for clarity & dialogue, that's what the team was called until about july of this year). if anyone has an issue with it please feel free to tell me and i can change it. 
> 
> also, do people use rich text or html? i didn't even know there was a difference until i posted this and i don't know if one's better than the other, or which one to use in general.
> 
> again, feedback is appreciated!


End file.
